This week, I found some interesting things while reading two professional reports about me.
The first thing I accidentally discovered, and when I read the things the people had said about me, my environment, my attitude, I was to the roof with anger. And it was several days of that. I just knew that I was kicking somebody’s ass.
The stuff in there was talking about things that are happening because I’m autistic. I ramble. I go off on tangents, and they’re about the few things that I really care about. And if I’m upset about something, I’ll be talking about that also and it will loop until you respond or it will repeat in the same “no one is listening again tone.”
Why people ask me questions but don’t want the details involved just amazes me every time they tune me out.
But the most hurtful things were pure fallacy They wrote that my home was infested with roaches, rodents, bugs, and that my house was filthy. Then they said to wear shoe covers and don’t bring in anything you don’t have to because it was that bad……..That is where my anger came, because my house is disorganized sometimes, and not new home clean. It is a lived-in home of people that just aren’t organized, okay?
That is my first situation I’m talking about.
The second thing I read was a doctor’s evaluation of me when I was getting my autism screening.
And the one thing that both of them have in common was unbridled anxiety, even the first one.
After I got over being mad, I was anxious. And it spun and spun and spun.
The anxiety looped in my brain, wondering how was I gonna deal with this, and why do those people feel this way about me to write such horrible things down in a report.
It spun and spun on top of everything else that was spinning there and became overwhelming and made me more dysregulated.
The second topic was an autism evaluation and in it I found the things in the report, it was new information. It had taken several days and my super special sleuthing skills to find the psychologists name even.
But when I found her and saw the picture my compromised nervous system sprung to attention and unloaded every highlight from my perspective straight into my memory.
ANXIETY-This brought me to the thing I’m going to share with you as a resource about anxiety. You will see it at the end of my post.
As you may or may not know from my three bento strokes, and this year I was hospitalized two times for seizures, and the anxiety that getting to stay in my home and get healthcare got finished this week, I got the official green light to hire help, but there was no help to hire, it is Christmas time.
The anxiety loop spun some more, and when I was trying to distract my mind and fight like hell against all this anxiety loops going on simultaneously, I became more agitated and ill.
Today, after watching a half a dozen episodes of this person’s podcast and YouTube videos, something finally resonated with me, and it made sense after all the therapy and all those pills that gave me more anxiety and for other things they thought I had, it made sense to me, and I will share more another day, but simply absorbing information is not a good thing.
We need to hear a lot of people before we hear one that connects with us and decide ourselves that we are applying that to our lives. Never go along with the sheep. That is how i got 38 years on benzos and polypharmacy.
When looking for distraction, I always look for something that’s going to tell me about something I do not know about, and the first video I watched of hers was why therapy didn’t work for her, and then this one really hit me, and I wanted to share it with you, because since being a child, I have fought the anxiety loop, and to my dismay, every day when it starts up upon wake up and is at full speed at bedtime.
I have always used my precious energy to fight the anxiety inside me, and the fact that I shouldn’t be fighting it was intriguing, and the more I thought about it, the more I felt there was somebody in my community that needed to see this video, and that is why I am sharing it with you. This is a video shared from You Tube that blew my mind because it was the last thing I had considered about doing with my anxiety.
Meet Maggie Sterling below.